Web Jokes... | Page 22 | Victory Motorcycles: Motorcycle Forums

Web Jokes...

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Andy, Jun 19, 2008.

  1. EventHorizon

    EventHorizon Active Member

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    Play on words http://melissamezei.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/bus-330-blog-pic.jpg
     
  2. S_Clause

    S_Clause Member

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    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
    closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
    younger alien
    said, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take
    us to your leader.'

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
    there was no response.

    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
    his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
    peace. Donot ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
    fire!'

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
    want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad!

    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
    pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
    roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
    deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
    patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
    refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
    dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
    his big, green head.

    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn
    near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
    friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
    intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
    his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
     
  3. Keith Grey

    Keith Grey Grouchy Old Member

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    Because he doesn't often Drink Beer, but when he does he prefers Dos Equis!
     
  4. 53canuck

    53canuck Well-Known Member

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    A Monday funny.
    http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=750_1361955514
     
  5. wcato3

    wcato3 Well-Known Member

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    2010 cross roads

    [​IMG]
    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.
     
  6. 53canuck

    53canuck Well-Known Member

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    The real commercial https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gper3YkzMg
    The parody https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXmkqhrggQg
     
  7. Known1

    Known1 Well-Known Member

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    This just showed up in my mailbox today; I personally find it extremely funny!

    The wife's back on the warpath again
    • Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
    • My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault, I should have taken them off.
    • I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
    • After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
    • I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.
    • The other night my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you, all the others kept me awake all night!"
    • My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh" I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
    • I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
     
  8. bikerdeano

    bikerdeano Well-Known Member

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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
    mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
    gives him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
    here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
    testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
    from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
    and pulls back the covers.
    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
    gently in the other.

    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
    Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
    very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
    very, very closely:

    Are - my - test - results - back?"
     
  9. bikerdeano

    bikerdeano Well-Known Member

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    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, a junk bike, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

    Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a $30,000 bike, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, a junk bike, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
     
  10. Doc_Clockwork

    Doc_Clockwork New Member

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    Did you ever notice how perfect the word "Boob" is?
    [​IMG]
     
  11. S_Clause

    S_Clause Member

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    Mrs. Brown's at it again.
     
  12. S_Clause

    S_Clause Member

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    Tim's New Sizes
     
  13. wcato3

    wcato3 Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]

    Grumpy?
     
  14. wcato3

    wcato3 Well-Known Member

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    There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.
    The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

    Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."

    "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

    He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.

    Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

    He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

    He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

    They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

    Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

    He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

    He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

    She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."
     
  15. jughead

    jughead Member

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    [​IMG]
    gotta have fun
     
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