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A man was followed the whole time he was in a grocery store by an elderly woman. When he stopped she stopped and just looked at him in a strange manner. When in the checkout line she was just ahead of him and turned to say
“ I’m sorry for staring at you. It’s just that you remind me of my late son “
The man was apologetic and understanding. She asked that as she left the store ....when I turn around would you just wave and say good bye to me. It would mean the world to me. “

The man thinking a kinda act for a nice old lady waved back and said. “ bye mother “

when he went to pay for his goods the clerk said “ that’ll be $128.53 “.
The man : “what wait I only have a few things”
The Clerk : “your mother said you would pay for her groceries! “
 

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Three servicemen, Army, Navy and Marine, were in a public restroom. When the Marine was done he washed his hands and grabbed a towel and proceeded to dry them. When the Sailor was done he washed his hands and dried them. When the Army soldier was done he just walked right out of the restroom.
The Marine and Sailor stopped the Army Soldier and asked "didn't the Army teach you guys to wash your hands when you are done goin to the bathroom?"
The Soldier replied "no, the Army taught us not to piss on ourselves! "

Hope this didn't offend anyone. It's just a joke!
 

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I wash my hands before I go to the bathroom. I don't know what all I touched before getting in there, but I sure as hell knew where my pecker's been and I prefer using clean hands.
 

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Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"
 
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